It Doesn’t Matter

Posted in Completely Random, Life & All That Jazz, Love or Hate (depending) on July 12, 2010 by Magistra

It doesn’t matter how well it ends… or rather how well it appears to end.  There are always hurt feelings to sort through.

I like to think of myself as enlightened and self aware.  I like believing that I am above hard feelings and being hurt.  I like to think that knowing the truth is better than believing a lie.  And I know it is better to be single than be in a relationship with someone who isn’t there, who you have doubts about, who has stopped pursuing and connecting with me.  But none of that matters because when a relationship ends, even when it ends well, there is no way to not hurt, question, or wonder.

Women and men are different in how they deal with things.  Men’s hearts are like long unending hallways with rooms on either side.  With men, problems are put in a room.  If the problem is dealt with the door is closed, locked, and not revisited.  If the problem is not dealt with the door is open to the hallway and whatever garbage is in that room festers and stinks up the hallway until it is taken care of and closed off from the rest of his world.  Simple.  Women are nothing like that.

Women’s hearts are like warehouses with endless rows of shelves.  Problems, hurts, fears, events, feelings… These aren’t locked up and closed away, they’re put into boxes that are meticulously labeled, cross referenced, and organized on those shelves.  Only a thin piece of cardboard lies between those things and woman.  That which is undealt with litters the floors so she trips, slips, falls, fusses over it until she resolves it and stacks it away with the rest.  But even when everything from this event is resolved, that trip to the shelves is a trip down memory lane.  Every other hurt received at the end of every other relationship, even if this relationship has not brought any hurts, are revisited once that new box is brought to the shelf.  Every doubt, fear, insecurity, angry word, betrayal is revisited simply by proximity in the warehouses of our hearts.

I am no different than every other woman.  It makes no difference that this last relationship ended in the friendship from which it began.  It doesn’t matter that I know he wasn’t investing in the relationship because his hallway had some royal stink from a couple rooms full of issues that hadn’t been dealt with.  I was still hurt because my warehouse was clean, organized, put away.  My warehouse was spotless but the smells from his hallway penetrated it anyway.  And cleaning up after our unhappy ending left me revisiting that awful corner of my own heart filled with the pains left behind every time I haven’t been the one that was chosen.

That’s what the matter is right now: I know that I wasn’t chosen.  And no matter how well this relationship ended, not being chosen always hurts because it means a trip to that corner of my warehouse.

© Dulcinea 2010. All rights reserved.

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Sleepless Night: A Collection

Posted in Love or Hate (depending) on June 26, 2010 by Magistra

Sleepless night spent wondering, what will my status be in the morning?

~

I began to love
Another man who may not
Have been the right one

~

I sit alone at the computer
Watching the time tick by
Hoping something will change
Or time will stop altogether
Praying that I will be able to sleep tomorrow away
Because I just can’t bear the thought
Of the happy sun
When the sun is setting in my heart
Yet again

~

Irony:
When the best friend of the man you are in love with who has been jerking your chain thinks your facebook prayer about the seemingly unavoidable end to your romance is beautiful and exactly what he couldn’t say for himself, completely unaware of the fact that his best friend is breaking your heart into a million and a half tiny little pieces.

~

Oh God
Here we go again.
Another broken romance.
I wonder why I try so hard to be hopeful
To find that one person
Because right now
I’m feeling pretty sure
He doesn’t actually
Exist

~

I realize that sleep might
Bring welcome relief to my current state of misery
But getting there isn’t as easy as pie

~

Pie.
I don’t ever want to see another Denny’s apple crumble as long as I live.

~

My eyes are heavy
Not as heavy as my heart
What will happen now?

~

I write a letter
To my love
And laid my heart bear open
Waiting to see what he does with that heart
Is making me feel
Like taking it back
But I can’t
Now that I’ve done it
I have to wait and see
If
If he wants me

~

© Dulcinea 2010. All rights reserved.

Trembling Heart

Posted in Love or Hate (depending) on June 25, 2010 by Magistra

What is the measure of truth,
Of the reality of two?
Is it a word?
A calming action?
A look or a touch?

How can I know that my heart is safe?
You tell of deep desires for commitment
And in the same breath speak of adventures far away
To be undergone alone
And brokenness that may be yet unhealed

With a look or a touch
A quiet conversation
My fears are calmed
But then another word
Or silence
Brings them back to the surface again

Can you show me your heart?
Are you able to prove your pure intentions?
Have seeds of doubt or fear taken root too deeply?
Or can you calm my fears
And show me how to lay my heart in your hands?

I want to believe you,
To be with you and believe in you,
To be your support,
Your lover,
Your friend.
But I feel somewhere deep inside
That something isn’t lining up
And it comes at me again and again

My tender heart has fallen for you
For you smile and your caring
For insightful conversations
And for the way that you calm me
And draw me out, when you choose.

I am torn between
Doubting God,
Doubting you,
And doubting myself.

Can I trust you to keep my best interests
And my desires
In the front of your mind?
Or are yours ever placed there,
At the forefront of your attention?

When you tell me what you want
And how you feel
Is it because you just want someone to talk to
Or because you really want me to know you?

Do you want to be with me
Because I am here and available,
Just for now?
To take up time on otherwise lonely weekends?
Or are you looking to find out
If I’m what God has for you for forever?

I no longer feel pursued.
Do you want me?
Do you see who I am?
Am I unforgivably beautiful in your eyes?
Or will I ever stand a chance
To measure up to her?

Your words
And your actions
Don’t always sound the same.
The message is mixed,
The signals are crossed.

I am struggling to understand
What your meaning is
And my heart is trembling

© Dulcinea 2010. All rights reserved.

untitled

Posted in Life & All That Jazz on June 25, 2010 by Magistra

I want to believe you

I want to believe there is a reason,

A future,

A hope.

But I just don’t see

The life,

The dream,

Anything more than

The same things I’ve seen before

© Dulcinea 2010. All rights reserved.

Unsure

Posted in Life & All That Jazz, Love or Hate (depending) on June 20, 2010 by Magistra

I don’t know how to proceed

I know what I feel

And that he’s not ready to feel the same things

I don’t know what step I should take

In this epic journey of romance

As I search for the person

Whose puzzle pieces fit my own

And wondering if this man

Who wants to check my brakes and power stearing

Just to make sure they’re okay

Who jumps out of bed in the middle of the night

To save me from the palmetto bug

Who is as conscientious about what I can eat

As I am

If he is the piece that fits my own

© Dulcinea 2010. All rights reserved.

untitled

Posted in Love or Hate (depending) on June 20, 2010 by Magistra

I’m falling in love

again

despite knowing

he may not be falling in love with me

© Dulcinea 2010. All rights reserved.

You

Posted in Completely Random on June 1, 2010 by Magistra

God

You confuse me

You send me someone to be in my life
You tell me where to go to meet him
I do all the right things
but I still lose

from across the globe men adore me
men who would die to get a chance to meet me
but the one I’m dating won’t give me the time of day
or night

it makes me sick
I feel jealous
unsure
afraid
angry

I try to do the right thing
to be who You want
to do what You say

I try to give him the chances You ask me to give him
to believe in him
to believe in You

but all I get is more upset
more angry
more depressed

and it makes me want to give up on more
than just that man
it makes me want to give up on

You

© Dulcinea 2010. All rights reserved.