Squat And Squirt Protocol

There comes a point in every woman’s life where she is faced with the need to pee outside in the great out of doors or in the urban jungle.  Just be sure that when you do you follow the appropriate squat-and-squirt protocol (as I’ve learned from years of backpacking, hiking, fishing/hunting, camping, and whatnot):

  • 1- Keep your hooha out of view, preferably behind a bush or some other vegetation (a vehicle tire and bumper can be substituted). Hooha viewing is a major failure.
    • 1A- Be sure the vegetation is that of a non-poisonous nature.
    • 1B- Also be sure that you’re not bathed in light if your squat is in the dark of night or an alley. It sort of defeats the purpose of keeping the hooha out of view.
  • 2- Don’t pee into the wind.
    • 2A- Scattered pee is a failure.
    • 2B- So is pee in the face. I realize that Bear Grylls has shown the western world that pee is “consumable” but that’s not what you’re trying to accomplish.
  • 3- Pee downhill… always downhill! Uphill will fail every time. Downhill!
  • 4- Getting pee on anybody’s shoes is RIGHT OUT and constitutes an immediate and unparalleled fail, even beyond flashing hooha.
  • 5- Be sure to keep all your clothing and accessories out of the line of fire. Getting pee on clothing is also an immediate fail.
    • 5A- Other people’s clothing counts too.
  • 6- Giggling interrupts the flow of things… don’t do it. It causes splashing and splashing indicates a failure. However if everything else goes well, it doesn’t necessitate a failure.
*Disclaimer – The proceeding was intended as a joke even though it’s accurate and soundly advised. Hm! 🙂

© Dulcinea 2009


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