Archive for the Completely Random Category

It Doesn’t Matter

Posted in Completely Random, Life & All That Jazz, Love or Hate (depending) on July 12, 2010 by Magistra

It doesn’t matter how well it ends… or rather how well it appears to end.  There are always hurt feelings to sort through.

I like to think of myself as enlightened and self aware.  I like believing that I am above hard feelings and being hurt.  I like to think that knowing the truth is better than believing a lie.  And I know it is better to be single than be in a relationship with someone who isn’t there, who you have doubts about, who has stopped pursuing and connecting with me.  But none of that matters because when a relationship ends, even when it ends well, there is no way to not hurt, question, or wonder.

Women and men are different in how they deal with things.  Men’s hearts are like long unending hallways with rooms on either side.  With men, problems are put in a room.  If the problem is dealt with the door is closed, locked, and not revisited.  If the problem is not dealt with the door is open to the hallway and whatever garbage is in that room festers and stinks up the hallway until it is taken care of and closed off from the rest of his world.  Simple.  Women are nothing like that.

Women’s hearts are like warehouses with endless rows of shelves.  Problems, hurts, fears, events, feelings… These aren’t locked up and closed away, they’re put into boxes that are meticulously labeled, cross referenced, and organized on those shelves.  Only a thin piece of cardboard lies between those things and woman.  That which is undealt with litters the floors so she trips, slips, falls, fusses over it until she resolves it and stacks it away with the rest.  But even when everything from this event is resolved, that trip to the shelves is a trip down memory lane.  Every other hurt received at the end of every other relationship, even if this relationship has not brought any hurts, are revisited once that new box is brought to the shelf.  Every doubt, fear, insecurity, angry word, betrayal is revisited simply by proximity in the warehouses of our hearts.

I am no different than every other woman.  It makes no difference that this last relationship ended in the friendship from which it began.  It doesn’t matter that I know he wasn’t investing in the relationship because his hallway had some royal stink from a couple rooms full of issues that hadn’t been dealt with.  I was still hurt because my warehouse was clean, organized, put away.  My warehouse was spotless but the smells from his hallway penetrated it anyway.  And cleaning up after our unhappy ending left me revisiting that awful corner of my own heart filled with the pains left behind every time I haven’t been the one that was chosen.

That’s what the matter is right now: I know that I wasn’t chosen.  And no matter how well this relationship ended, not being chosen always hurts because it means a trip to that corner of my warehouse.

© Dulcinea 2010. All rights reserved.

Advertisements

You

Posted in Completely Random on June 1, 2010 by Magistra

God

You confuse me

You send me someone to be in my life
You tell me where to go to meet him
I do all the right things
but I still lose

from across the globe men adore me
men who would die to get a chance to meet me
but the one I’m dating won’t give me the time of day
or night

it makes me sick
I feel jealous
unsure
afraid
angry

I try to do the right thing
to be who You want
to do what You say

I try to give him the chances You ask me to give him
to believe in him
to believe in You

but all I get is more upset
more angry
more depressed

and it makes me want to give up on more
than just that man
it makes me want to give up on

You

© Dulcinea 2010. All rights reserved.

Unhappy Questions

Posted in Completely Random on May 31, 2010 by Magistra

I’m confused

Wondering what I am to you

Am I just someone you put beside you because there’s no one else around?

Am I more to you than just some girl?

Do I captivate you?

Do you see me?

Are you into me or are you into how my attention makes you feel?

You’re words are charming

Are they real?

You say you’re with me

Are you?

You stated you were done with the e

Have you been?  Or are you still there?

I don’t know if I’m safe.

I don’t know if I’m with you or if I’m just standing in the same space.

I am confused.

And I just don’t know.

© Dulcinea 2010. All rights reserved.

After The Storm

Posted in Completely Random, Life & All That Jazz, Love or Hate (depending) on May 2, 2010 by Magistra

After the storm
When the Sun arises
The world is new
A clean slate
Waiting
Eagerly anticipating
That which you will make of it

The sunshine warms
The weary soul
And the Life that you thought was dead
Gone
Surrounds you

There is no more despair
No failing heart
No fear
And the memories
Seem so far
So distant
As if they were never real
But just a shadow
From a dream long ago

Only hope
Faith
Joy
And an eagerness to explore the world again
Are present
After the storm has passed

© Dulcinea 2010. All rights reserved.

The Storm

Posted in Completely Random on May 2, 2010 by Magistra

The Storm began
Blowing away the calm
Forcing all signs of Life into hiding
Hiding what stars would otherwise shine in the darkness
One thunderous blow after another
As wave upon wave of storm
Crash down upon me
I’m stuck
Stranded
Waiting it out is the only option
And waiting for signs of Life to return
For the calm to return
The Storm to end
For the moment when the clouds break
When the stars return
For a short time
Before
The light comes again
And ends the night
The long, stormy night

Then the day will begin
Bright
New
And full of hope.

© Dulcinea April 8, 2010. All rights reserved.

Unexpected Surprises

Posted in Completely Random on May 1, 2010 by Magistra

I have a dozen beautiful white roses in a pitcher on my counter.  They were a gift and a complete surprise!  Where did this lovely blessing come from?

A stranger… At the grocery store!

Apparently when you walk into the grocery store at the moment the florist is putting out new flowers and getting rid of the old ones, it’s possible to be the happy customer who walks in smiling and leaves feeling like Miss America with a bouquet of roses.

Like any other woman, I like getting flowers.  I know some women wouldn’t be nearly as flattered if flowers didn’t come from a lover, but I disagree.  You get flowers when you need them.  And the best bouquets are the ones that are completely unexpected surprises.

© Dulcinea 2010. All rights reserved.

Welcome the Sun

Posted in Completely Random, Life & All That Jazz, Love or Hate (depending) on May 1, 2010 by Magistra

A long winter
With cold and darkness
Solitude
And the seemingly unending
Quiet

Then the spring comes
Breaking through
And life emerges
Bringing with it
Hope

I step outside
And welcome the sun

© Dulcinea 2010. All rights reserved.